For What It’s Worth – Choosing My Regrets

I’m seeing a hashtag floating around a lot that makes me cringe. #noregrets. Imagine living a life with no regrets??? It does seem enticing… But, let’s be honest here. It’s not possible is it? At least, it’s far too late already. There are regrets already lingering. I will name no names but I am confident I know of some teenagers who will have awoken the morning after a certain celebration recently feeling a few regrets… Enough said!

Every podcast I listen to seems to have a mention of regrets, the hashtag is everywhere, and I’m acutely alert to anyone even mentioning the word in passing. Perhaps the 50 Rejections Project has me a bit sensitive? Those bruises sting! Maybe a run of things going just a bit off course ? Maybe it’s just a natural state of mind at the end of summer when the days become shorter and the leaves turn and fall and the entire world seems to be shouting at me to remember that nothing lasts forever, don’t waste it! That would be a far more romantic background to this meandering reverie.

No, I’m embarrassed to admit this current focus on regret is not due to any altruistic or important reason. It’s a completely self-involved thing.

I ALWAYS regret failing to appreciate the importance of the structures in place to keep me on track (with writing, with exercise, with ever so many things in life) to the point where I ignored them completely. I left my schedule on the shelf. Thought I might try doings things differently now I’m on a roll. And… I missed publishing the blog. And missing something so seemingly without consequence made me reflect on things I wish had been different that did have an impact.

It’s a curious thing regret. It’s shared as something shameful, something we should avoid, something we should be embarrassed to feel. A negative thing.

I’ve resisted harbouring such an emotion as it felt like an admission of error. OK, I’m not always right. But…it’s the concept of no regrets that catches me out a bit.  It is impossible to avoid it in a life fully lived. We will all reach our last day and, I have to be blunt with you here, we will all have regrets. 

There are many stories about what people on their deathbeds admit to having as regrets but they don’t vary much from something like this. You will never be grateful you spent all those days at the office but you will regret not spending time with your loved ones and making beautiful things. Those ones.

Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Phrases like ‘no regrets!’ are helpful in keeping us focused on the future and not on mistakes from the past

The Blissful Hiker (Yes, Regrets!)

I’m being a bit pedantic (who, me? Surely not!). I do know what they mean when someone calls ‘no regrets’ like a battle cry and strides forward. They actually mean something along the lines of ‘I may regret doing this in the future but I would regret not doing it more and therefore it’s worth the risk. Wish me luck’. That’s far too many words and it just doesn’t have the same ring to it!

To me a good life is one in which the regrets I will have to face on that last day will be for the great things I couldn’t choose as there were equally great alternatives I selected in their stead. I will take those regrets knowing they are offset by the knowledge that I passed them by with good reason and (hopefully) good benefits.

The goal I have is to try and be intentional about what I choose to do and, more importantly, the things I choose not to do. Regret is borne of opportunity and choice or the lack of both of these things. Yup. Regrets are inevitable and I want to be the one to choose which ones I end up with. Not asking too much, am I? Control freak, anyone???

Let’s imagine that it really is that easy. Accept regret as inevitable and start choosing for yourself which ones you will have. What could that look like? It’s an exercise in both imagination and prediction with a healthy dose of permission thrown in for good measure.

When I’m 97 will I regret this? is my yardstick and the question I ask myself when I’m unsure about which way to turn. It has proven to be a great help with the very difficult decisions. While the time still to live before 97 is still pleasingly great (fingers crossed) it offers a refreshing balcony perspective.

The questions I ask myself are:

When I’m 97 what do I think I will wish I had / hadn’t done?

What do I need to tell myself to go and do???

Things I will regret but am prepared to live with:

• One day I will regret drinking really great wine and eating the good chocolate (haha, seriously???)
• Inevitably I will regret skipping yoga to read to the end of a book (I get up slower and slower every day)

Things I do not wish to regret and will do everything I can to avoid missing out on:

• I will never regret spending time with my family and friends
• I will not allow myself to regret writing – I have a bucket list goal to achieve, people!
• I will not regret being outdoors and enjoying the natural world – hiking, walking, travelling, seeing all the things

Things I already regret:

• I regret failing to publish a blog last week. It’s the first time. I didn’t like how it made me feel.
• I regret no longer owning real estate in the inner north of Canberra
• I regret not wearing long sleeves and hats and sunscreen when I was a teenager
• I regret nodding when people talk and allowing them to mistake attention for agreement