I ran into someone the other day who once was a huge part of my life. Somehow I haven’t seen them for years now. Walking out the door of the hospital was also, it turns out, walking out of the arms of many who had been my every day. These are people who taught me everything I know about my professional world that is still so present for me. How can they not be present too? Seeing them again so unexpectedly sent a shock through me. After so many years literally side by side it was a relationship I’d taken as a given and yet I should never have taken it for granted.
In a week where I’ve been questioning pretty much everything about how life looks at the moment this reminder of friendships lost piled on top of multiple other synchronous, pointy jabs about friendship. Regular dinner dates passed by unnoticed. News found its way to me about the passing of one, the affliction of another, the relocation from one side of the continent to the other for a family I’d forgotten to send a Christmas card to since Covid. All massive changes in circumstances I had no idea were looming.i should have known, I chastised myself. I should have still been in touch. And then multiple podcasts have fallen into my feed examining whether your soulmate is a romantic partner or perhaps a friend. The universe has a twisted sense of humour, doesn’t it? I’ve been having trouble laughing about it!
I’m rereading an old beloved. What Katy Did has been a mainstay in my reading and intellectual inner life since my 8th birthday. Over the years Katy has taught me many different things. How to be patient and take a moment to think, tame those eager impulses to act when opportunity seems to drop in your lap. She and Jo March both remind me regularly of the critical part sisters play in a girl’s life and to protect and nurture those relationships with care. And Katy also reminds use of the pitfalls of friendship.
In a style true to the era in which both Katy Carr and Jo March were conceived, Katy fell into friendships both ill-advised and awkward and showed me the consequences of those less than ideal decisions. She made friends based on appearance (oh, the excruciating Isobel!), dove headlong into emotional attachments that brought brief but welcome connection to the recipient but cost Katy so much (the poor neighbour Mrs Spenser). It took years of self-inflicted ill-health that forced her to face her own fallibilities and find the inner strengths and wisdom to build friendships based in foundations of mutual love and respect.
I like to think she walked through the hot embers on my behalf and allowed me to benefit from both her pain and her redemption. I’m sure I’m saying some pretty obvious things here, no revelations about friendship for you, my dear readers! In the name of clarity, forgive me while I spell this out for myself. What is it that Katy taught me?
Relationships are a two-way street.
Actually, that’s clear enough for me! I didn’t sit down to sermonise about friendship. This week I’ve been grumpy and dissatisfied. I don’t do negativity well, it brings out all the ugly in me. I don’t like it but sometimes feel powerless to stop it spewing out on all around! My Morning Pages have transformed from my favourite time of the day when I glory in the beauty of ink and cursive script and wordplay into a litany of complaining, angsty diary-like pages I’d hate anyone else to see and will probably glue together so that I don’t have to ever see them again either!!!
It became clear I needed a good talking to so I went to the person who gives it to me unflinchingly straight with no care for my feelings. I think Katy and her Cousin Helen are the voices in my head but they’ve lost their 18th Century politeness and taken on 21st Century bluntness!!! I’m still bruised from the talking-to I got from… me.
I think I can package the hard lessons I taught myself (with Katy’s help) to share with you and remind me. Ready?
- We are all different. There is therefore no one right way to live life.
- We are also all unique. You’ve got something special you bring to the world and so does everyone else.
- Stop comparing yourself to others.
- Start upholding your own values.
- Get over yourself…
So in the spirit of ‘getting over myself’ I’m here to tell you that despite all my grumpiness and despite all the devastating news in the world and despite the fact that I’m not quite sure (yet) how I will take the next step I will remember to keep peace with my soul. It’s always got my back, knows what’s good for me and hopefully wants to see me work out some of these gnarly questions! Best we remain friends then.
Simple.
That looks like getting back to the habits and routines that stand me in good stead. I’m not game to share the bad habits that have crept into my life other than to say that when I wake before 6am it is not good practice to still be under the doona at 8! The short list includes yoga, walking, writing, working and finding my way back to some sort of cooking. I’m still startled to realise that relationship has deteriorated as far as it has.
In case you were wondering, this does have something to do with friendship. Katy taught me to honour those friends for who they are, what they bring to your life, and how they contribute to the fabric of your world no matter how long, or short, the relationship ends up being. This shout out is to all of you who are so precious in my own life.
Tell me… do you have any habits or practices that are the mainstay of keeping peace with your soul? What do they mean to you???
I have moved towns a few times in my life, and careers… And with that comes a reckoning with myself that all friends won’t follow me where I am headed. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be you. Just keep believing you are where you need to be, right now.
My daily habit is to visit my plants and my garden. To nod approvingly as I notice they are growing.This is enough to remind me we are all growing and changing, some days noticably, others ever so slightly.
Thank you for that reflection. It’s a real lesson in life, isn’t it????