It was tricky writing honestly about honesty last week. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because honesty is dependent on vulnerability. Ugh. You know, saying this is my opinion can be a risky business. It’s certainly one that I’ve avoided countless times in the past in deference to peace and ease.
I’ve recently joined what seems like countless hiking groups on social media which, in turn, has me scrolling through those sites far more often and for longer than I would ever have done in the past. It’s inadvertently exposed me to a whole lot of opinions I would otherwise have been able to avoid. I’ve seen contacts, friends and relatives posting memes and beliefs that are not just different to my own perspective but abhorrent to me. I’ve read innocent questions on hiking forums that ‘inspired’ criticism that was not only unjustified but cruel. In the past I either hid those people from my feed, left the group or stopped checking that site. But it seems I just can’t be so passive anymore.
I came across Brene Brown’s research in the years prior to Covid but relied heavily on her work during some of the hardest crises confronting me during lockdown. I was working in the hospital and witnessing some incredible heroics; frontline AND back of house workers sacrificing home and family and personal safety to care for those who needed it. At the same time I was experiencing some questionable behaviour from people I held in high esteem. I spoke with community members during contact tracing who refused to isolate and protect others if it curtailed their individual freedoms. Trump was headline news and then the Black Lives Matter protests made me stop.
Now, at this point, let’s be very, very clear. I’m not asking you to agree with me on any of these topics. I AM, however, asking if you’ve experienced anything like this. I truly think you might know the feeling. The one where you realise that being silent about what you think or believe is no longer ok. That ‘going along’ with what the crowd seem to be doing or allowing others to believe you agree with them when inside you’re screaming NO! makes you want to vomit…
I know you know it!
I think Brene Brown nailed it. Owning your opinion on some of the pointy issues (the usual suspects – religion, race, politics) can be incredibly uncomfortable, not a lot of fun and rarely simple. I’ve often steered conversations with those I care about away from these topics just so I can avoid that tricky place where we’re judging one another and finding no common ground. I preferred to protect those relationships before my own integrity.
I always thought I’d rather keep the relationships. Now? Valuing integrity means that I have to put my own perspective up there as equal, at least, with theirs and as something worth standing by.
That’s the other side of integrity. Not just recognising it but acting on things you know to be not quite right… or even plain wrong.
Recently for my work I’ve completed an incredibly in-depth training program on our First Nations history, culture and challenges within the system I get to live so comfortably within. It’s confronting but I was determined not to look away. It makes me want to go back and do my primary schooling all over again but with a balanced and honest education about the country I live in and love so much. There was a lot missing in the curriculum back then!
At this time when we are considering the question of enshrining a First Nations Voice to parliament (the motivation behind many of those disgusting memes and misinformation I’ve seen shared across my social media feed) I am forcing myself to stop still and listen properly. I want to hear what people around me think. I’ve done my reading and research and I am confident in my vote (Yes!) but I want to hear what others think. More importantly, I want to understand why they think it.
This is the bit that I’ve always been a bit weak on. The reason I think things. The evidence that informs my opinions and beliefs. I am really confident about the things I believe but I’ve rarely examined what I think to be able to answer why I think it. And it turns out that it’s not an easy thing to do. Poor Ian will tell you just how often I admonish him for thinking in terms of black and white (an awkward description in this context but also an uncomfortably accurate one).
Opinion just isn’t like that. It’s not as simple as identify the fact that informed your thoughts and move on, happy you can now reference it and show you’re right. I still haven’t come to the bottom of why I think many of the things I think. There are the usual explanations. Family and our history. Where I grew up and went to school and therefore what I was taught. The people I’ve interacted with. Then (phew, something evidence based at last!) the research I read and learned while studying and working. And then (less evidence based and back to opinion again), the media I’ve listened to over the years. I’m pretty confident there is a huge amount of other factors having their say as well but I haven’t found them yet and might never know what they are.
Is it the same for you? I assume it will be. We’re a complicated bunch, aren’t we?
When I looked at this part of the Desiderata this week this is what has been on my mind. The why. Have you ever asked yourself this question? Why do I think what I think? And, if you have, how did you find the rabbit hole it inevitably took you down when you tried to work it out?
Who influences your opinion the most?
Where do you get your information?
And… why do you trust them to tell you what they do? Do they deserve to be believed?
This is the big question. Why. My answer is that there is no single answer. Very annoying because I do like clarity!!!
The one thing I do know is that WHY is the most important question to keep asking yourself. I’ll listen if you want to share the answers you get. I won’t promise to agree with you but I’m always curious to hear a different opinion. Are you?