For What It’s Worth – Purpose

On the first day of my new life as an unemployed person I fell down the stairs. 

It’s a hilarious story, to be honest, and safe to recount because I clearly survived to tell the tale. On this particular morning I sat in the Eyrie for my usual writing time and, when I finally headed downstairs, everybody had already gone to work and school and I had the place to myself. Unusual in this household! Time to feed the animals. Woody is one of those dogs who must always have something in his mouth to stem his exuberance to a socially acceptable level and coming from our room he had picked up an (unmentionable) item of clothing from our cupboard. Jester led the way down the stairs and Woody followed close behind me. Halfway down Jesse stopped and Woody dropped the undies… underneath my foot. Like a comedian slipping on a banana peel I went down. Hard. It took my breath away. 

After I fell I sat there stunned, unwilling to move. I had visions of being one of those people who worked hard and finally began that hard earned retirement only to be struck down by some terrible illness, never to enjoy the fruits of a long working life. I have lost colleagues before their time, patients who faced the consequences of illness and accident and the ravages of ageing. It happened in our family to someone I loved very much. He was cruelly deprived of decades of life with his beloved, of knowing his grandchildren. I’ve seen it happen and there is nothing deserved about it for any of them. For any of us. Fairness does not come into this.

Well, that’s a dark place to go so early in the piece, isn’t it?! Let’s get back to something more useful to all of us…

First of all I need to be very clear. I am NOT retired! Being ‘not retired’ implies that I ‘am working’. When people ask my husband what I am doing he proudly answers ‘whatever she wants to do’, leaving them none the wiser about how I spend my time nor indicating if he has the slightest idea of whether I’m in fact doing anything useful at all! When people ask me what I’ve been doing with my time I fall back on versions of being ‘busy’ as if the word itself has the power to convey a justifiable explanation of some sort of valuable contribution to society. I could answer by telling people I have been ‘parenting’. That would be true. Young people need a surprising amount of attention as they transition to adulthood and I’ve definitely been distracted by their demands since being home full time. I could allude to looking after house and garden, an honest requirement here at Ardley where there is no shortage of cleaning and maintenance to be done, but one glance at our home would give that game away instantly. A good housekeeper I am not! And sometimes I mumble something about writing before retreating to justifications about it being a hobby, an indulgence, how lucky I am to have this time to delve into such distractions before needing to go find some ‘real work’. Hmm…

Really this period of time between careers is a sabbatical. I looked it up. It means a period of paid leave granted to a … worker for study or travel. In my sixty year old dictionary it is defined as rest bringing. Now that I like. Rest. I needed that. Time to clear my head, recalibrate, consider the big question in life.

The question I really need to be able to answer is this one. What is my purpose?

I fell into my career through a series of seemingly random decisions and generally it paid off. I became a wife and mother intentionally and (hopefully) have conducted myself reasonably well in those roles. They are so important to me! But… purpose?

And then Liz Gilbert stood on that stage and threw that challenge out into the audience and I caught it full in the face.

Kute Blackson, on the brilliant podcast Unemployed and Afraid with Kim Kerten, articulated the concept of purpose in a similar way to Liz only leaned further into mysticism to describe it. Both said surrender – surrender to whatever it is that you are truly wanting to do. 

Liz says “ What are you willing to give up to have the life you keep pretending you want?”

Kute says “What are you pretending to not know about the life you want to live?”

I dug out my old journals and flicked through them, ostensibly to compare the writing in them to that which was appearing in my newly minted Morning Pages. At the same time, thanks to a crisis in the workplace, I found my way to a coach with whom I could explore the question of ‘who I wanted to be when I grew up’. To use a term from the Artists Way… synchronicity made itself known. From the first entry in the first journal and in every one subsequent to that I wrote about not feeling satisfied in my job. That I was in the wrong place. That my career didn’t fit, that I was performing well enough but it felt wrong, that I felt trapped in the role. That I had mistaken capability for purpose. In my very first coaching session the coach looked at my quizzically as I babbled about what I thought I should do next and what was expected of me and asked “what is it you actually want to do?” When the words “all I want to do is write” fell out of my mouth I was stunned into silence. I had hidden that from myself in plain sight for literally thirty years. 

“She had been searching for ‘ert’ – a term she coined, meaning the opposite of inertia… she had only just worked out what it was: purpose”. Julia Baird.

Some people seem to have been born with a drive to do/be/find something. They face true north and never seem to waver from it; it’s the brightness by which every decision is lit and the guide that leads them unerringly through life towards the ultimate achievement of their purpose. That sounds absolutely wonderful. Imagine knowing what you are here to do right from the beginning!!! Such a relief, no more need to search for meaning, just actions to be taken and successes to be celebrated.

I’m not so naive as to imagine that it’s as simple as that but I am definitely optimistic enough to hope that there is a version of that sort of purpose available to me! Is writing my purpose in life? According to the definition of ert, yes, it is. I am so grateful to be able to spend this time indulging in it. I am incomplete without writing and I can say that aloud without cringing or apologising. Progress!!!

I don’t believe that anyone is born with a defined purpose. But I am convinced that we can create one for ourselves.  

“Ert can be found in work, too.” Being enveloped in work you enjoy – paid or unpaid – can be hugely satisfying and meaningful.” (Julia Baird) 

Rediscovering writing with the freedom to dedicate time and attention to the process has been a beautiful vehicle to carry me safely away from my first career. I’m so fortunate to have my work to keep me gainfully busy and engrossed while I explore other things in the world. Julia Baird was writing about the importance of watching and observing when she wrote imagine all we would miss if we kept tripping down the infinitely curling internal and interminable staircase of self-examination. I read it and highlighted it as a reminder to myself to keep moving forward with creating things. I don’t need to continually look inwards and dig deep. What matters is to keep moving, keep on watching and listening and making and having a go. Purpose is a concept that the believers in my circle work with as a key element of their faith. It holds them true and guides their every decision. I watch this with awe, and just a little envy. 

As you are learning, growing, evolving then no matter what you do you are living your purpose. Kute Blackson.

I’m excited to be a lifelong learner. There’s purpose right there.