I set out to write something that was NOT about setting goals. I failed. It seems a little early to fail but i’ve managed to find a way to make failing a success!
Everywhere I turn people are talking about New Year’s Resolutions. There are heated arguments about whether or not to do them; goals are important/not important; I always do them and they’re the reason for my success / I never do them and it’s fine; I just use a single word; rule your own world… It’s a bit overwhelming and I’ve stopped looking as it gets under my skin and I worry that perhaps my own approach is not good enough / ridiculous / cliche / a waste of time. Social media really sucks sometimes.
There are so many seemingly brilliant things I’d love to do and I will be easily lured by any one of them when they appear in front of me. Why, yes, I will do that I say and blithely head off to the next interesting temptation. And then the next. And the next. And the next thing I know there is a trail of intriguing beginnings in my wake and I have finished nothing. The wisest and most influential words I have ever heard about this were repeated by Liz Gilbert in a story she tells about her own path to writing. I haven’t been able to find the reference but the gist of it is captured in these two lines on the front page of my planner. What would you give up to live the life you say you want to lead? In essence – you cannot do everything. You have to choose. Then you have to stand by your choices and say no to everything else no matter how good it may be.
And so I need to name them, these things I dream of achieving. Something in the word resolution feels a bit fluid, like it could be swayed, like a convincing argument or a sideways look would break it into a million pieces. Like it’s not a serious commitment. A goal, on the other had, seems strong and sure of itself. A goal can withstand a storm. I need something solid to head into 2023 so I need goals. What do you think? Prepared to go with me on this one?
We health professionals are actually pretty good at setting targets. We know how to pinpoint an achievable and desirable outcome and we are extremely good at breaking that down into incremental steps that, if followed, will lead to the goal. It’s the backbone of a therapy program and it’s the key to achieving clinical success. Oh, did I mention we set those goals not for ourselves but with and for our clients?
When it comes to setting goals for myself, I am just as vulnerable as every other human being to all the tricks that get in the way of success. I convince myself that I’m not good enough or I don’t have what I need for it to work. Being pinned down to name a specific goal is confronting and I can explain in great detail and with copious evidence exactly why I am not willing to commit to a timeline/outcome/target. There are variables that can’t be controlled that might interfere with success.
Because I might fail.
Failing feels really bad. When I fail I want to curl up in a ball somewhere and become invisible. I want to make the feeling go away and quieten the voice in my head that is yelling triumphantly (the only bit of me feeling at all victorious) I told you so! Failure opens the door to feeling like an imposter and failure leads us away from who and where we want to be.
And yet failure is the place where we learn so much. The coach who helped me make some big decisions calls it the sweet spot. Kim Kerton regularly refers to the messy middle in between the old and the new. There are myriad ways to describe that place where you are the learner and you are striving for something you really want to achieve and there is no guarantee that you will get there. It is scary. All you have is your goal and the effort you put in and a hefty dose of hope. That’s quite a lot when you think about it like that!
The powerful thing about writing down goals and giving them life is that they act like a GPS. You are off your set course I imagine a voice telling me (I would choose the male GPS voice with the Irish accent if it’s available, I would do anything ‘he’ told me to do!). With that reminder I would laugh knowingly, shake my head regretfully at the cool thing I won’t be doing, and turn resolutely back to the cool things I will.
I’ll hop off my soap box now and you can breathe a sigh of relief. It’s a brand new year after all! Everything is shiny and new and everything feels (and is) possible. We are here because I wanted to tell you a bit about where I have come to with my own goal setting for 2023.
So the funny thing about this particular musing is that actually I’m thinking about planning to fail… What can I say, I like to be contrary! Brene Brown bases her explanations about how we feel when we put ourselves into vulnerable situations in this extract from a speech by Theodore Roosevelt about ‘being in the arena’. It’s well worth watching, this explanation has become the basis for much of my understanding about my own reluctance to give things a go over the years. Instead of avoiding feeling the awfulness of failure, in 2023 I am out to find it. When it comes to writing it seems that the arena is wide open and the gravel is sharp.
Another regional Victorian writer recently shared her 100 rejections project and I was so intrigued I decided to have a go at that myself. For me it will be a target of 50 rejections (for 50 is the special number this year). Despite the guaranteed skinned knees it is time for me to take some risks and bare my soul to the world. I’m sure to come out bruised and worse for wear! Bring it on!
Fear of failure is a huge and very real hurdle that gets in the way of taking even a single step forward. It’s a tricky, elusive fear that sneaks up on me disguised cleverly as wisdom or a gut feeling. I look back and can pinpoint many occasions where I convinced myself that I was making choices based on overwhelmingly strong instinct when in fact, from the relative safety of this vantage point in the future, I can see fear had taken the wheel and I was in fact running with my tail between my legs as fast and as far away from risk as I could possibly manage.
Luckily for me my word this year (yes, I have one of them too!) is persevere. I need the reminder to trust my self and do the work in front of me even when it’s hard and I’m questioning myself. I’m prepared for the chance (certainty) that there will be failures along the way. I’ve bought a back up supply of tissues and there will be a regular delivery of chocolate. If you see me with a shopping trolley full of Cadbury the only proper response will be to laugh.
Because you know what? Laughter really is the ultimate goal.
A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused
Shirley MacLain
I debated long and hard about whether to ask you if you have set any New Year’s Resolutions. In the end I decided not to (!!!) but just to let you know that I will always be interested to hear about them. I’m here if you need a cheer squad to urge you on, celebrate a win, or share my bandaids when you skin your knees in that arena. You will have to get your own chocolate. In the meanwhile I will share this goal you may wish to take as your own.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Lord Byron
Happy New Year!
In 2023 may you laugh so hard that tears run down your face and snot from your nose and you wet your pants. May you laugh until your belly hurts from the strain. May you laugh so much that it spreads like a virus. And may we find a chance to laugh together.
Happy New Year! oooh, I like having a ‘word’. It comes about not from being based on a calendar date ie/1/1/23 but perhaps rather from how I feel from over a period of time. For a long while now it’s been ‘calm’, but I think maybe I’m ready to move on. Must start thinking & searching to find my new one, I’ll know it when I come across it 🙂
I agree, the word just appears and you go, ah, there it is. Can’t wait to hear what yours is 🥂
I pretty much vowed not to have a “word” but… it’s “simple”.
I like that! Another one I used, actually as a bit of a back up word, was ‘enough’. It was such a relief!!!