You many have heard on the grapevine something about milestone birthdays and all the festivity that comes with that. In my case the letter ‘f’ featured heavily. Family. February. Flamingoes (that one was a surprise!). And the big one, Fifty. But the most wonderful gift I received during all of this celebration is also an f’ word. I am so blessed to have celebrated during the Festival of Fifty with friends.
I had to grin somewhat awkwardly when listening to Mamamia Out Loud this week. The topic of friendship between women of different ages and generations was raised. The hosts explored the reality that, while they were peers and consider themselves to be really good friends, the nearly 20 year age difference between them still makes a difference to how they relate to one another. At a wedding of another colleague (and friend and family member) the two aged in their fifties were seated with the older family members, the aunts and uncles. Not from the same social circle. The same age group and generation.
I winced because I get it. I’ve been guilty of that exact crime against friendship. I think back to our wedding and to my dear friends from work who, by the simple virtue of their age, I seated at the table with my parents’ friends who had made the trip up from Bendigo. What was I thinking? It’s a crime of the young, I forgive myself, but I hope my dear Kippax colleagues hear this apology and forgive me too!
I’ve also been the ‘friend’ classified as the older one and excluded from social events. In my experience it’s usually been a work group. In the workplace you are equals of a sort, a convincing semblance of equality exists by virtue of roles and skills and shared responsibilities. You share tales of your weekend, you go to after work drinks together, pool funds to buy gifts, car pool. And then there’s a Hen’s Night or a birthday or a weekend away planned… and you realise you’re firmly in the category of ‘work friend’ and not in the subset ‘outside-of-work friend’. Ah.
This makes it even harder to understand when you don’t fit into a work group of people who ARE your own age. It’s high school all over again except you’ve fooled yourself into forgetting that high school and work are both just groups of people thrust together by virtue of purpose and location, nothing at all to do with personal connection or shared interests in a social sense. It’s luck of the draw when you do find a friendship which transcends the original reason for meeting. If I’d thought of it that way there would be
A. No surprises when a colleague didn’t become a friend and
B. An openness to overlooking age as the determinant for connection.
Got it! Better late than never.
One of my oldest friends (as in time, she’s not old!!!) made the long drive from Canberra to share my birthday weekend with me. Such a gift! I wasn’t able to share her milestone birthday thanks to C***d so we were doubly celebrating. We caught up on ‘now’ and then reminisced about some of the previous birthdays we had shared ‘back when’.
I was flicking through a photo album from the late 1990s when we were living and working in Canberra. I lost myself in the loveliness of physical albums spread across the floor around me. No swiping on a screen, peeps, actual photographs you can touch. Pictures that keep falling out of the little sticky corners meant to hold them on the page (I’d forgotten about that annoying bit, let’s move on!).
If we suggest that the presence of someone at a celebration signifies a high level of presence in my life (it really does, no big open parties for me), then these photos present us with a snapshot of friendship across time.
- Photos from my 21st birthday (Bendigo) = A mix of school friends, Uni friends, family.
- Photos from my 25th birthday. Canberra. = Friends from CSIRO (Ian’s workplace) and CHADS (my work).
- Photos from my 31st birthday (Bendigo) = Family, children at my feet.
- Photos from my 40th birthday (Bendigo) = Family, playgroup friends, colleagues from Bendigo Health.
- And now photos from my 50th birthday will join the collection (Bendigo) = Family. Friends. Iffy Pop. The PHUB team (no, not the risqué version, the awesome public health leaders. Minds out of the gutter!).
Bear with me, let’s play with this research theme. At 50, with sufficient data at my fingertips from this long term study of friendship, I am able to confidently conclude that the concept of friends for a reason, a season, or forever is true. The evidence is there in those albums for all to see. The consistent people through all these significant birthdays of mine are few and far between. And yet that doesn’t tell the whole story about friendship. It’s not as simple as that, is it?
Many of my dear friends live ‘somewhere else’. Their absence at a celebration doesn’t represent absence from my life. Hmm, how to manage this deviation from the friendship theory? I have learned that friendship does need attention and effort. Sometimes it involves finding a way to drive up the Hume Highway to Canberra to couch surf my way around to see the beautiful people who have also made the same trip in reverse.
I love writing letters and sending Christmas cards and finding ways to stay in touch so I still feel connected to friends from across my life. There are friends who I could still find by the address handwritten in my address book, others I could find via Facebook Messenger, both of whom I possibly would walk past in the street because it’s been such a long time since we’ve been in the same place at the same time and gazed upon one another’s faces.
Sometimes these are the friends who fit into the ‘reason’ or ‘season’ category. At some point we connected enough to choose to stay in touch but, we haven’t built a relationship that can stand without the underlying factor that brought us together in the first place (here’s where high school, Uni, work, even mothers’ group sometimes fits!). It’s a hard lesson to accept, this one. It really hurts when a relationship that has been a big part of your life peters out. You question whether it ever meant what you thought it did. Over time I’ve worked out how to mourn the end of a friendship graciously but, gee whiz, that’s taken me a long time and I can’t say it ever happens completely emotion free!!!
So. Let’s see where we have ended up in this rambling reverie about friendship.
- Friends may be for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
- Friendship takes work and attention and sometimes requires travel.
- Friends do not have to live in the same town to stay close and connected.
- Friendship can evolve unexpectedly. Time is sneaky like this!
And most importantly? Friendship, like any other relationship between humans, is never perfect but my goodness it’s precious.
This little meander down the lane of friendship reminds me that I really do need to put the effort in. I have notes to write, messages to send and trips to plan. My friends know who they are and I hope they all know I love them to bits. Even if I haven’t seen you for years. Even if I’m a bit slack on birthday cards yet again. Particularly even if I hide away from too many social catch ups! Even then, when I am voluntarily retreating from the world, you, my friends, are so important to me I will drop what I am doing to welcome you at the front door.
Who do you need to reach out to? Which friendship needs a little bit of TLC? And who would just love it if you reminded them that you love having them as a friend?Just pack a picnic lunch or pick up coffee and go for a walk. Send a text. Do my favourite and write a letter and send it in a mailbox with a real stamp on it! Who would value finding you at their door, backpack in hand, asking if they have room for you for an evening catch up?
Psst. The answer is… (you know who)